i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
