She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
