She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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