Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
