I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
