We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
