Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
