Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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