I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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