I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
