Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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