so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Two words: nipple clamps
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