I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
