Im at strip club and am horny
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
