I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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