She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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