watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize