I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize