I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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