i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
