i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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