so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
