The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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