The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I had to cum in my sink.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
