Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
