if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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