I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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