I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
