____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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