She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
