if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
