The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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