I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
