listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
