dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
