it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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