Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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