I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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