My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
