This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
