i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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