I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
