Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
