Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
