I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Pants are for mortals
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