i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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