So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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