I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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