i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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