And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
