My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
