Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
