Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
