I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
