I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize